Fall and Failure

Today while reading five minutes in the middle of a book sitting in my Prius waiting to see if someone would arrive to join me in qigong, it dawned on me that I associated Fall with failure. Having spent a good part of my life trying to avoid failure (not as successfully as the author of the piece I was reading), I was devastated by my second divorce. The first divorce could be rationalized a failure on the part of the other person; but this second divorce was at least half my fault. And the second divorce also revealed a dangerous aptitude of my part, the ability to fall in love with difficult partners. I had failed to find a suitable mate; I might have done better in an "arranged" match. I lost trust in my judgement. I imagine that someone else might say that it was my karma, or in my natal chart to have such "luck." And I would agree that failure should not present a crushing blow, but rather a lesson (a lesson too complicated for this heart).
But failure and Fall, well, the obvious fall from grace. The failure to maintain the laissez faire of summer. The work preparing for the winter to come which might present a failure to endure or even a fall on ice...the connections are facile. The one I fear is the connection I have to Fall and  to slow burning despair. In preparation for this winter I have changed the wattage in several light fixtures and stocked up on Vitamin D. I have begun writing a long piece of dialogue which is very raw at this point, but has been attracting my attention. I have hung a grow light and have lettuce, arugula and spinach sprouts in the green house. I aim to be occupied.And Mr Lee and I will continue to walk down to the river and stare at the continual fall of water.